Thursday, June 21, 2018

To love too much

When I love, I love too much.

And ironically, it's because I don't love a lot of things. I'm pretty indifferent generally about... everything. There are very few things in the world that I *love* so much with the entirety of my heart and being. I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily because then I guess there's not much left for me to really, carelessly fall for.

I've always been this way. When I love something, I just obsess over it. If it's something that can be watched, I watch it all day and night and there isn't a corner on Youtube that I won't have already searched. If it's a song, I listen to it 'til I know every word, hum and beat. If it's a person... man, good luck!! When I like someone, I just tirelessly move mountains to make that person happy. I've always been that kind of person. I try to always make other people happy first. For example, if I know you like a song, I'm going to put it on anyway because it's going to make you sing and dance to it. Even if I don't really get it. I'd rather eat at a restaurant I don't like (but know that you do) rather than bringing you to a place that I like. My happiness derives from seeing other people happy. I'd like to think it's being both selfless and selfish? 

I give so much of my heart away and I don't think it's ever done me good. Because I invest so much, the downfall becomes somewhat amplified. Like how the ending of a show I was SO crazy about (Reply '88) was the complete opposite of what I had been wishing for. I seriously am not joking when I said I would just break into tears just thinking about the ending of the show. I was wishing dishes one time and the thought of the ending scene and I just full on BAWLED by the sink and wanted to curl up in bed under the covers to continue crying my heart out. And then fast forward few months later, news broke that the TV couple that I was rooting for in '88 actually *actually* got together in real life and I cried at that too. In the office - infront of my colleagues. It was so ridiculous now that I think about it but that's just how emotional I can get with things I love.  There's an interview of Kristen Bell on Ellen when she said she'll cry if she's not anywhere between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale. Too happy and she'll cry and too sad and she'll cry. Just to give you a little insight of how much of an emotional wreck I can be, y'know at the end of the last Olympics they had a little feature on Japan because they're the next host and the Prime Minister of Japan popped up in a Mario costume at the end bit? Yeah, I cried at that because it was so cute and sweet that he was willing to do that!!!!!! I cried!!! At that!!!

I dunno, man.

It's the same with relationships. I go all in. I love fearlessly and tirelessly. And that's always been the case for me. I'm enthusiastic about it despite my efforts to be cool about it on the outside. But believe me you, I'm jumping on the inside. Like... kicking-my-blanket-because-I-can't-contain-the-giddiness-within kinda excited. And it's probably why I'm so scared to like anyone. To give my heart to someone and to dedicate and to commit. Because I have this fear of what if the other person wakes up to find that today they love me a little less. It's so tiring to always have to worry about that. To find someone with an unchanging heart, and one that'll care and adore you everyday without you ever having to doubt it. That's the dream! But it's so far and between so I pray that I find someone that will put me to ease with the guarantee of a love that doesn't dim. 

I feel my heart pounding when I start talking about the things I love and I instantly light up at the thought of it. My whole face feels hot and turns an enviable shade of blush you'd think I bought good money with. I start talking fast and my speech is all over the place (with lots of squealing and taking quick breaths in between) because this is what it looks like when excitement takes over. And it takes me a very long while to get over it. 

Loving wholeheartedly and loving deep isn't wrong. The curse is when I pour too much of my heart into it. I devote too much of myself to something/someone that I forget reality and when the bubble bursts, I'm flailing to the ground and falling heart first.