Thursday, November 2, 2023

Re: My friends

I'd love to say "I have lost count on the amount of drafts I've written" because I totally can.

It's 2. 

It's been two times since I've attempted to write a full post since my last one in June. Not to much success. They only got up to a few lines. So something around here.


I've been off Instagram except for on my finsta. I think if you're friends with me or at least with my inner circle, you'd probably already know what I go by on my finsta account. I do go on my main account once in a while to post photos of big occasions - the last being Hanna's wedding. Before that it was Japan and Raya and Seoul. Like I've mentioned, Instagram in particular gives me just too much anxiety. My heart literally beats so fast when I'm on it because I just don't know who or what I'll see that'll cause some sort of trigger. And so to save me from such, I'm just cosied away in my small circle of friends on my private instagram. I don't even stalk celebrities there, I'm just only ever seeing updates of whoever I'm following (35 accounts so that includes some friends and their own finstas!)

Which would I guess lead me to my next point: friends.

Over the year and over everything that has happened, I've decided to take a very selfish decision to really prioritise myself. In my teens and twenties, I've always always always been a friend person. Friend A will come to me to ask about a certain group of friends. Friend B will ask me about Friend C. Friend C will ask me about what Friend's A up to these days and if she's still dating Friend B's ex boyfriend. Yknow? That sorta thing. It just became a natural thing that I had a lot of group of friends. Which was something I loved and truly appreciated being a part of. I would usually create most Whatsapp groups, I'd host big parties and smaller lunch dates and organised game nights. Weddings were a thrill - I'd float from one table to another, take photos with one group and the other and then go to our favourite mamak after that and be part of that obnoxious group of people that joined 6 tables to fit 20 people. Do I miss it? Always. 

My 'selfish decision' meant essentially to realign what I believe to be best for me. Be it friends, be it the things I do on a daily basis, be it the things I choose not to do anymore at all. It's not malicious. It was never malicious. I just felt at the time (I still do, to be fair) that it was pivotal in healing and being my old self again, to take care of me. I don't blame anyone for thinking bad of me though. I can see how it'd look like. To them it could be perceived like I don't want to be friends anymore. Like I don't want you in my life anymore, that I don't care for you anymore. That I'd rather be alone than be friends with you. That couldn't be further from the truth. I never not want to be friends anymore. I just wanted and most importantly, needed a break. If it meant from some friends, then so be it. Because it didn't seem right that I was agonising about how you might feel and completely forgetting about how it would make me feel. At the end of the day, I'm the one living out the anxiety and fear and nervousness and sadness. Not you.

This being said, I truly truly truly appreciate and love that most of my friends have totally respected this stance and have given me the space and time to be better. And for the occasional check in's and "hi!". I'm not scary so I won't be rude and shoo you off if you text or call me. I'm just doing a bit of time away from reaching out sangat dah because it's all I've been doing since I can ever remember. Stretching myself too thin by constantly doing this has not helped me in my healing and so once I realised that, I just decided to change lanes. Tu je. And if you've not heard from me in a while, it's most probably cause I haven't heard from you too. I still don't host big, big parties anymore but I do try to make the effort to go out for small dinners and lunches and as I've stepped into my 30s, it's just been super nice also to have more intimate outings with old and new friends. 

I don't expect this post to be read by anyone really because I've abandoned it for ages now but whoever it reaches, I hope it brings bit more insight to where I was. 

Still a lot of love for everyone!! Promise. 


Sunday, June 11, 2023

A day and a cry at a time

I was writing a draft for this post but that was so long ago that I've decided to just forget about it and start new here. It's a Sunday, June 11th, 4:44pm.

This post, I want to talk about mental health.

For context, we'll start with my upbringing. I grew up in a wonderful typical Asian/Malaysian household. Typical being we ate a lot of rice, we went to extra tuition classes, we had a big external family (lots of cousins and aunts and uncles), we were shy with our "I love you"'s and... we never spoke about mental health. Was it a lack of belief or was there just not much conversation about mental disorders in the community at the time? We were always questioning it like it was a choice, it'll sound something like "She's so rich, why is she depressed?". I don't know anyone in my family who went through a mental illness but it could be because no one identified nor acknowledged it at all. I grew up with that and so I, too, never got it. Never got what it means to have anxiety, depression or anything beyond that. It just felt to me like a state of mind that you could just "get over". 

That said, I never liked saying the word "depression" for fear it may seem I was belittling the actual illness. Sure, I never really understood it but I also didn't want to disrespect the term. It was the same with anxiety. I had a friend who went through intense anxiety when we were studying abroad. There were Facetime calls that started with crying and breathing difficulties and panting and all that. I sympathised genuinely but again, I just never really got it. I could not understand how something could set off something so much bigger within. I looked it up numerous times and after reading so much material on it, I got a better idea of what it means to be anxious and have panic attacks.

I'm having a bit of a hard time segueing into the part where I tell you that from being a mere audience to friends' experiences with depression and anxiety to then finding myself in my therapist's room as she nudges the tissue box to my direction as I stumble for words to tell her why I'm there. She diagnoses me and she talks to me calmly. The whole time I'm just dumbfounded that I'm even there, that I've allowed myself that mercy to seek help after weeks of complete gloom. The weeks following that appointment, I had a lot of trouble coming to terms of what I've been feeling. I hadn't shared it with a lot of people other than my 2 sisters who lived with me at the time. And even with them, it went unspoken and from knowing me their whole lives, nothing had to be said for them to know that I was not the same. 

If I could explain it simply, depression feels like a weight on your heart. Some days, I can feel it hover over me. I'd be walking around, driving, eating or doing a chore and I can feel my heart get heavy and soon before you know it, the feeling overwhelms your whole body and then it gets too much and the only outlet for this is to breakdown and cry. I'd always feel dazed and my only source of comfort was complete literal darkness. I'd pull my curtains together, got under the covers and faded in and out of sleep. I felt detached from work and had low energy levels for months on end. I stepped away from the social circles I was in and left social media because it was my biggest trigger. I stopped doing things I enjoyed and just wanted time to pass by. I appreciated truly all the friends that checked in on me but had no energy at all to get to them. For the first time in forever, I really didn't care about anything at all. I just wanted to be left alone. 

I wish I could snap out of it and just get back to the regular programming of my old self. It's tiring, man. Being sad in itself is tiring but no one tells you how draining it is to live in between those episodes, to constantly anticipate the next breakdown. You have the nice moments here and there, I've had some great moments with friends and family, I've traveled here and there alhamdulillah but for now, it still follows me everywhere I go and while i'm grateful for the sweet things in life and the hikmah that has come out of it, I still struggle on most days. 

No one wants to be sad all the time, no one wants to go through a hard time in their head, no one wants to be tired and no one wants it to obstruct their lives and the relationship they have with the people they love. It's so easy to say to someone to cut it out, take it easy and just be appreciative of what you already have than to be grieving over what you don't. Taking yourself out of that rut isn't easy and will never be easy. It's a huge climb to being well and the path there is never linear. I was doing ok for a couple of weeks and then I fell through. It felt devastating to see the progress and be confident with where I was going only to be proven wrong just from a single passing thought.

I have a completely different outlook on mental health issues now that I'm going through one myself. It's not by choice, it's something that just happens. My doctor told me that going through depression means the brain is going haywire. All the neurons and wires that were meant to connect normally are now all tangled and messy which would explain why you can't find happiness or enjoyment in the things you used to. I won't count myself as an expert but if you're going through something that feels out of your ordinary and if it feels like anything I've written here, I sincerely hope you take time out to find ways to be better. Don't dismiss it and expect it to go away. Acknowledge it and take care of yourself. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Just as you would find ways to fix a wound or a fracture, you gotta also do it for the mind and heart. I highly, highly recommend therapy and seeking professional help. I'm embarrassed to say I was a disbeliever of it but after going to one, it did a lot of good things for me at the end of the day. There are many qualified ones here in KL that you can easily Google through but I'd be happy to share with you my personal one if you'd like. 

I'm taking it a day and a cry at a time. The other day, a song I've avoided for so long came up on my Shuffle and instead of rushing to click Skip, I thought ok let's try. I let the song play out and as I hummed through the last note, I switched off my radio and sat in silence. In a lot of ways, getting through the song was my tiny and precious win. But I also knew it in myself that that was as far as I could go that day. Learning bits and pieces of how to live your life through depression and anxiety is something I never thought I'd do but making peace with it and moving ahead anyway is something I'm grateful for.

"Best we can do is to keep asking for help, and accepting it when you can and if you keep on doing that, you'll always be moving towards better" -Higgins, Ted Lasso.



This is just something additional that I sincerely hope won't isolate groups of people, but personally for me, prayer helped a lot. I've watched a lot of videos on Youtube about depression and faith and it has really, really helped me understand this a lot more. About grievances, about finding the light at the end, about being patient, about instances of reward for having trust and patience and ultimately for understanding that taking care of yourself is an act of ibadah also. So don't worry about the stigma and focus instead on being healthier. Some days might look bleak and like you have no hope, but God is always with the lost and the sad. Know that and continue to do what you can to be better. Minute by minute, day by day, week by week, month by month. You'll get there.

Monday, January 2, 2023

A New Year

 Happy New Year, friends! 

I wanted to write yesterday but felt out of spirits to do so so I thought I'd write today - 2 days into a brand new 2023.

I didn't celebrate the new year - I stayed home and got ready for bed. I managed to see some fireworks from the balcony of my apartment and that was it. Long gone are the days of going to Curve to celebrate (remember that place?). I remember my mum picking us up from a night's worth of celebrating and the traffic was so bad that she was in it for about 2 hours. Crazy.

Ok anyway, thought I'd share here on my resolutions and just overall thoughts on what I hope to accomplish this new year and my turning 30 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). 


+ I hope to find more meaningful work in my career. I do love my job and i've grown a lot from when I first started and have met so many influential people. Above all, I love my friends from work so much and when I wasn't in the head space to meet friends/family, I still had to go to work so them being there and covering for me and essentially taking care of me has been monumental in my healing. I love them so much and owe them a great deal in helping me everyday - in both my career growth and my mental health. But back to the point, I do hope to find myself a change in this and see what else and where else I can potentially be good in. 


+ I'm keeping my friend circle bit tight this year. For most of my social life (so that's from age 12 and above haha), I loved making friends and I loved being in every circle I possibly could. My friends used to joke about me being the social butterfly in the group and would ask me for updates about everyone else. Mun even once said, "Nadia, you're like Dora the Explorer, you say hi to everyone around you!" when we were walking together to class in college. I was painfully shy when I was younger so it almost feels like I was making up for the years I had no friends. But what I've also realised was that I was spreading myself too thin, perhaps being friends with the wrong people and/or pouring energy into friendships that weren't reciprocative. I guess I just realised that I couldn't and shouldn't always be the one to initiate and maintain friendships; that isn't a responsibility I'm going to take. Anymore, at least.


+ Spend less time on social media. After taking some time off my main Instagram account, it has been so much better for my mental health. Like I've mentioned in my previous post, being on Instagram has, for a long time now, affected my confidence and self-esteem. So it was just for the best that I took a break from it. Plus, it's quite nice to *not* know about someone all the time.


+ Save more money. I have to learn and be mindful of my spending habits and be sure to put savings as a priority. But also, equally, to not stress out too much about it or not let it stop me from buying/doing the things I genuinely love. InsyaAllah money will always be there for as long as I do good, honest work. Life experiences don't always come!


+ Take more travel initiatives. I managed to squeeze in a short trip to Jakarta in the past month and even though that was for just a weekend, it was still so great to be out of the country and experience a different culture altogether. It was a breather that was much needed. I really loved it and I look forward to more trips this year. Places I specifically want to go to (again): Seoul, London, Amsterdam, and South of France. 


+ Be more charitable. InsyaAllah out of all my goals above, this one I really, really, really want to fulfil. To just be more charitable as much as I can and to do good wherever whenever I can. I always believe that the more good you are to the world around you, insyaAllah the more good will come your way. I have a little thing I thought of this year and I hope I get to follow through the whole year and insyaAllah for as long as I can possibly do it for. 

+ Volunteer. I'd love to see what I can do in terms of volunteering. I have a special place in my heart for school kids so maybe around that region. If you know of any good start off points, let me know! 


But most and foremost, I just want to be happy. At the end of the day, everything above is to make and keep me happy. And whatever that will get me there, I will do it. If it means cutting some people loose, if it means saying fuck it i'll go for that expensive manicure, if it means crying sampai penat, if it means spending some alone time, if it means traveling far and wide, if it means staying home, if it means saying no to somethings and yes to a lot more, then I'll do my best to get there. We owe it to ourselves to live this life best we can. 

I hope you have a great, meaningful, exciting new year ahead of you. 

Thanks for sticking around, friends.


Sunday, December 25, 2022

Friends Who Weren't There

I've quit Instagram several times before. My longest stint was 2 months away from it. It was exactly what I needed and I felt an improvement in my life and mental health.

I'm currently off it. It's still there but I haven't been on the account for about 3-4 months. So I'm behind on some life updates from friends and acquaintances but maybe that's for the best. I had to make some changes in my life and being off Instagram was one of it. I will however say I do have a private one that I keep only for close friends. I have about 30 girls on it and they're some of my closest friends. Even there I've muted everyone's Stories so I only pick and choose whose I do click on to watch.

Social media has been toxic only because I'm at that age where people's achievements include high-paying jobs, luxurious holiday trips, marriage, children, etc. And as secure as you might claim to be, sometimes, on your off days, you catch yourself feeling like you've done nothing and that you're so behind. You can watch all the encouraging Tik Tok's and videos that say otherwise but sometimes there's just really nothing that'll convince you from what you've already started to internalise. That you're so far behind what is acceptable in society.

So that's why I'm off Instagram. I don't know if I want to come back because I've already made myself really comfortable in the confines of my 30-friends account. Being able to post my everyday and sharing personal life updates with friends that really matter to me (and who reached out to me when I wasn't feeling my best) is the only way I wanna go about social media these days. 

I've always known to be the friend that is friends with just about everyone and anyone. I love initiating friendships and I also love maintaining it. I'm the friend that will be game for just about any hang and will drive places to meet friends. I'd be active in Whatsapp group chats and will be at every party. 

So 2023 is the year I'll change that. I'll be turning 30 insyaAllah. The latter of 2022 was tough for me. Still is, if I'm honest. And there were friends who checked up on me and there were friends who went radio silent. To ease the process of healing, I'd like to see it at as a hikmah to this hardship. That through a difficult time, the real friends showed up. The true ones who stuck by me, looked after me and assured me they were in my corner. 

We're keeping the circle small and sweet this year and insyaAllah for all the years to come. We're taking this 'self-care' thing seriously. And that means removing people who weren't reciprocating that energy you've poured out. People who want to leave our lives... we've just gotta let them miss out. 


Monday, November 28, 2022

Sadness is an all encompassing feeling. It takes a lot out of you. It traps you; no amount of bits and pieces of joy you feel can totally cancel out the feeling of sadness. It comes back at the end of the day to remind you that it's still very much there - a big, dark entity weighing down on you.

I had a great Saturday, I went out to a birthday party and celebrated a really close friend. I had fun and had great food and laughed a lot. But I still totally crashed the night after, on my bed crying. The other day my colleagues and I were laughing about something so hard and so much all the way to the parking lot but as I was walking to my car, I got a whiff of a familiar scent and I got in the car barely holding it in. I couldn't drive after because I just broke down crying in the car. This is what I meant by the temporary happiness I get. It used to linger a lot longer. All it takes is a silly thought to cross my mind to keep me in check. To know that this isn't the reality I wanted.

I wish to have all the confidence in the world again. I wish to be as happy as I was in my last post. I wish I could meet friends again without them looking and asking "hey you ok?" sympathetically. Though I am grateful for friends who reached out and checked in with me. I am grateful I have my sisters who live with me who takes care of me. I am grateful for my colleagues who have picked up the slack for me at work when all I wanted to do was hide in the bathroom and cry. I'm grateful for my therapist who provided comfort and reassurance in the time and state of complete disarray. 

And as much as that has helped, there are some days I feel like I've never really progressed in this healing process. It feels like day 1. What's most difficult for me is that I feel myself chipping away. I can't see photos prior to a couple months ago because it depicts a different me and to imagine myself that way again feels so odd. Some songs on Spotify will play for 2 seconds before I rush to skip it because it reminds me of a sweeter time. There are longer and more winding roads I'd rather take than to drive on a familiar one that reminds me of a person I used to share it with.

I'm really so tired of being sad. It's so exhausting to always have this darkness on your back robbing you of your pockets of happiness throughout the day. Like it'll never be for me. Like it won't be here for long. Like it can never truly be mine to keep.

Sunday, July 17, 2022

Who posts about being happy at 1:36am? Me.

This is a random post to tell future self that present self as at 1:27am on the 17th of July 2022 is very happy and very content with the people in her life.

I just got back from a family dinner for Zaim's belated birthday dinner, celebrating his 28th with Hanis who's carrying their firstborn in her tummy. We're expecting baby boy in September insyaAllah and we all can't wait to be doting aunties/grandpa/grandma to the little bean. Yesterday I was out til 2am at an Airbnb with my colleagues who have turned to be my absolute friends for life. We cooked maggi (failed at it but made for good memories), sang, danced, laughed and shared personal stories. Last weekend we were in Penang for Raya and I spent the short break with my grandparents and some of my cousins. This past week I have been rounding up some friends for a bowling party next weekend and been texting so many friends about it. I'm so excited to play bowling with like 24 other friends who I love so so so so much. And tomorrow I'm about to see my boyfriend for lunch. Everything and everyone has made me so, so happy. I'm so blessed, this life is wonderful and I'm so happy it's mine. Alhamdulillah.


Saturday, June 11, 2022

My 2022 Raya

Hi! I wish I was a better blogger but facing the realities of work, once I come home and wind down, I kinda just want to scroll through TikTok 'til I fall asleep. 

Raya's come and gone! I can't believe I missed out on blogging that. In short (ye ke short), I absolutely enjoyed my one week holiday in Penang. Raya came unexpectedly early this year, the first time I've experienced it! And that was pretty eventful in and of itself. The *content* on TikTok and Reels and alllll the captions. It was hilarious to see. It was very rushed for a lot of people who expected another day of fasting. We were all good alhamdulillah in the Mahmood household. We did go out to buy lemang at 11pm just behind our house. But the market place was SO packed, the line extended outside. It was crazy! But also I'm sure very necessary lah since some people tak start apa pun lagi. 

But I loved it allllll, from start to finish. The food, the late night games, the company, the hecticness, the kecohness, the laughing, everything. It was so wonderful to see Raya in full force again. Amelia and Iman at point, got emotional about it and was tearing up seeing the house so full. I was happiest for my grandparents because they, above everyone else, missed this most. I loved it. It was the best Raya for my family and I alhamdulillah. I also went to Taiping after so, so, so, so long and that was sooo fun too. I just love seeing beraya all out and it was so nice to see everyone gathering together again. I can't describe it, I was just very happy.

I won't post many photos here sebab dah lama dah but some of my ultimate favourites. We had no theme for the first day but we were decked in purple for the second! 

The aforementioned lemang buying.

Raya announcement time! 

Nothing like a good Raya morning spread.

Iman's annual glam team.

Outfit's from Whimsigirl! I bought the sage green one first but always had the pink in mind so succumbed and got it too.

Whimsigirl team in Taiping! In the middle is our sweet, sweet cousin Elin.

Second day ''fit! I tailor made this. Perhaps one of my favourites I have.

Even Jeevan flew over! It was so nice and fun to have him in Penang and for him to see how we celebrate Raya. 

With my favourite in life.

Loved this year's colour theme. Mine's not exactly 100% purple but I think it made for a good colour mix anyway! Hehe

Hope you had a pretty great Raya too! We're about a few weeks away from Raya Haji and insyaAllah we will also be there in Penang to celebrate even if it's just for a few days. Stoked anyway! I always love going back - it's home.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I'm going to continue on my Stranger Things binge - as usual, I'm only starting on the show (from episode 1 of season 1). So far, so good. Don't know how I feel about this genre though!


Saturday, April 16, 2022

My Ramadhan 2022 so far

It's Ramadhan!! Alhamdulillah we're here yet again. It's day 14 of puasa already. I'm on my menses (worth noting I got it 20 minutes before berbuka yesterday) so I'm on a weeks break. But otherwise, it has been going well. It was great that the first day of Ramadhan fell on a Sunday so it was a good start for everyone - to be able to have a day of just rest and getting used to fasting again. I think the one thing about fasting is that you wake up for sahur and that tends to make sleeping difficult. I often get super super sleepy in the office because I don't get great sleep after sahur. When I mean great sleep, I mean longer than an hour or two. Haha. So in the past couple of days, I've actually skipped sahur. I'd wake up to drink and solat and then sleep again. I've also found that eating SO much for sahur doesn't really affect how late you'd be hungry again. I ate roti canai and a whole plate of rice one morning only to be hungry by 11am. 

I've been having a good mix of berbuka in and out. Here are some of my really really sedap dinners I've had. 

I'm soooo excited for Raya this year! We finally get to beraya with our families insyaAllah. And in Penang too!! I'm so stoked. It's been so long and most importantly, it's been so much longer for our grandparents who have had to spend it alone these past 2 years. 

Spoilt for choices for baju raya this year but I made mine months ago so I don't think I'll be buying anything anymore. But the Raya collections this year have been pretty impressive! You have to appreciate how creative designers have to go about creating something along the silhouette of the traditional kurung/kebaya. 

So excited to see what everyone will wear this year. Macam MET Gala pun ada gak rasanya. Refreshing Instagram after lunch to see what people have been doing/wearing/eating. Always so fun.

Ooh! I also recently went on a trip to Kuantan with Marissa. Our first trip out since our 2014 Amsterdam/Berlin one. It was so so so fun and just something both of us needed. I loved every second. Can't wait to blog about it and show you some photos! I haven't been on a beach holiday in eons so it was so wonderful to be reunited with the sand and sea. 

Selamat Berpuasa everyone! At the risk of sounding like a broken record, my sincere hope is that everyone gets some clarity and a lot of light this Ramadhan that continues throughout this whole year. Make lots of doa and do a lot of good this year. InsyaAllah, prayers answered soon for everyone. 

"Whatever is prayed for at the time of breaking the fast is granted and never refused" 
-Nabi Muhammad SAW

Be good!!


Thursday, March 3, 2022

Suite 29th

I've just realised I've not blogged about my birthday party this year! I feel like there's just a lot of birthday content on this first front page but it's only cause I just had a lot of fun this year! So bear with it. Lepas ni, no more for 2022.

Ok! So for this year, I decided to get a suite to have my friends over for a birthday hang. We'd play games, borak and have dinner at the hotel. I ended up getting the Ritz for the night. Invited my best babes. Had a ball of a time. The room was so much bigger than what I had anticipated. It was a two-bedroom suite but they also had a whole kitchen (with oven, full fledged fridge, etc) and a study. So it was super spacious and it fit us really comfortably. That mattered most to me, I wanted everyone to feel like they could be there all night long! In the end, I had Marissa, Putri, Nana and Hanna stay over with me. Though I wouldn't have mind if more wanted to bunk in!

Ok, since it's been some time since the party, I'm going to blog via photos. I've got loads to share! 

Did a bit of a world tour before going to the hotel. I love driving as you might or might not know and I love myself some company while at it. Picked up Aina, my birthday cake, Nana and Putri before heading to Ritz. I've also just realised all three friends in the car come from completely different circle of friends! I love bringing my favourite people together.

There's a video somewhere in our phones of the room tour. It was just me going around enthusiastically.

Aina, Sarah and Marissa helped me put together the party packs. One of my favourite childhood memories was packing the party packs when I was a kid before every/any birthday parties we'd have at home. We'd have different stations and everyone was in charge of a sweet/gift to put in the bag. It was like a well-oiled production line and it was just always fun. So for all the parties I've done (and will do), I like doing the same! I had sweet treats, a face mask, scrunchie, hair clip, sticker, and socks if I can remember all correctly. I got them all via Shopee! Which was super easy and convenient. 

My first few guests! Including baby Adam Noah, Sarah's baby who also happens to be the cutest baby around.

Time for make-up! I basically forced Marissa to do my eye make up for me cause she's really really good at it and I love how she's so daring and bold with it. I'm not as adventurous but I loooove myself a good eyeshadow action.

I wanted dinner to be something fuss-free and can be shared all ways. So that's usually just down to pizzas! We ordered from Pizza Mansion which isn't too far away! I had also ordered in a few other things like brownies and lemon tarts. My absolute favourites and I had to share that with everyone else.

I'm not sure who asked for it but mid party, we decided to make a Tik Tok! Hahahaha our in-house specialist Sherry (in pink) seen here filming a scene. It was SO much fun and I loved seeing how sporting everyone was to join. It's somewhere on Tik Tok/Stories but I won't post it here haha soz!

Brought my old friend Avalon to the party. It was intense because you have to remember this was an all-girls party so there was a lot of screaming and swearing. All around great party game hahaha

My cake's from Tiny Baker, they're located in Kota Damansara. It was so good too! I first tried them out at Mun and Nana's NYE party. The one I ordered was a vanilla peach one. And it was well received by everyone so take it from them! 

Anis, Dibs and I. These two are cracking hilarious, there was no way I wouldn't invite them to my parties and all of any events to come.

One of the most notable people in my life that has had a lasting effect for me: Aina. What would I have been if I hadn't moved schools and became classmates with this sunshine of a person? Love you so much Aina, you're the inspiration.

Budak Sri D!!!! Hahahaha

Um wait scuse me, can we take a minute to appreciate this HANDMADE BAG FROM DIBA????? The flower print is so ridiculously good and like??? Is there seriously anything sweeter and more thoughtful??? No. I have brought this bag for travels already, it's just the best and I can't thank Diba enough for this. Cry.

I also LOVE THIS BAG SO MUCH. I came across it on Carousell and was immediately sold because the colour is divine and it's just so damn pretty. Aina asked what I wanted and I sent her the link. Tip: Carousell's a fantastic place to buy evening bags. So far I have 5 from there and they're all so beautiful.

Missing in action: Pana who was busy getting ready for her climb to Kinabalu.

My babe for life for ever for all of time.

Top: Mango, Pants: Topshop, Shoes: Charles & Keith, Birthday Tiara: Shopee.

Before heading to bed, Marissa and I Facetimed our favourite Scotsman Kanda. We love and miss him so much!! He's too busy being a bougie doctor in Glasgow for us but it was so sweet of him to give us a call. He's truly seen us at our best and at our lowest (also... ugliest). He was also very nice to buy us bougie breakfast the next day for all of us who stayed over! Hehe bagus ni ada kawan baik kaya raya earning in Euros.

My birthday presentsssssss!! This year I was practical enough to let people know straight up what I wanted! That pink glittery bag was a link I gave Aina, that eyeliner was what I asked from Diy, those pyjamas were what I wanted from Putri, Aina and Sher. The gold hoops I asked from Hanna are the only two gold hoops I wear these days. I loved all presents though!! I use them all the time, from candle to perfume to blusher to bags. Thank you everyone!!!! Sayang like mad, y'all.

Our VCR breakfast courtesy of one very sweet Dr Kanda.

All in all, this was probably my most favourite birthday yet! I love rounding up some of my favourite people from all parts of my life together celebrating my turning a year older. It always feels like a reunion. I love my guy friends, of course, but I find so much fun and comfort in having an all girls party. Everyone feels comfortable and we get to do whatever we want as much as we want however we want. And I'd like these girls to know that I'll always have them for all of my birthdays to come insyaAllah. I'm truly not the person I am today writing this post if not for the girls in this photo (and some other favourites who unfortunately could not make it). I looooove everyone and I already can't wait for the next party (mine or anyone else's hehe).

Ok dah, that's it. No more birthday posts for this year. Next year pulak.