I'd love to say "I have lost count on the amount of drafts I've written" because I totally can.
It's been two times since I've attempted to write a full post since my last one in June. Not to much success. They only got up to a few lines. So something around here.
I've been off Instagram except for on my finsta. I think if you're friends with me or at least with my inner circle, you'd probably already know what I go by on my finsta account. I do go on my main account once in a while to post photos of big occasions - the last being Hanna's wedding. Before that it was Japan and Raya and Seoul. Like I've mentioned, Instagram in particular gives me just too much anxiety. My heart literally beats so fast when I'm on it because I just don't know who or what I'll see that'll cause some sort of trigger. And so to save me from such, I'm just cosied away in my small circle of friends on my private instagram. I don't even stalk celebrities there, I'm just only ever seeing updates of whoever I'm following (35 accounts so that includes some friends and their own finstas!)
Which would I guess lead me to my next point: friends.
Over the year and over everything that has happened, I've decided to take a very selfish decision to really prioritise myself. In my teens and twenties, I've always always always been a friend person. Friend A will come to me to ask about a certain group of friends. Friend B will ask me about Friend C. Friend C will ask me about what Friend's A up to these days and if she's still dating Friend B's ex boyfriend. Yknow? That sorta thing. It just became a natural thing that I had a lot of group of friends. Which was something I loved and truly appreciated being a part of. I would usually create most Whatsapp groups, I'd host big parties and smaller lunch dates and organised game nights. Weddings were a thrill - I'd float from one table to another, take photos with one group and the other and then go to our favourite mamak after that and be part of that obnoxious group of people that joined 6 tables to fit 20 people. Do I miss it? Always.
My 'selfish decision' meant essentially to realign what I believe to be best for me. Be it friends, be it the things I do on a daily basis, be it the things I choose not to do anymore at all. It's not malicious. It was never malicious. I just felt at the time (I still do, to be fair) that it was pivotal in healing and being my old self again, to take care of me. I don't blame anyone for thinking bad of me though. I can see how it'd look like. To them it could be perceived like I don't want to be friends anymore. Like I don't want you in my life anymore, that I don't care for you anymore. That I'd rather be alone than be friends with you. That couldn't be further from the truth. I never not want to be friends anymore. I just wanted and most importantly, needed a break. If it meant from some friends, then so be it. Because it didn't seem right that I was agonising about how you might feel and completely forgetting about how it would make me feel. At the end of the day, I'm the one living out the anxiety and fear and nervousness and sadness. Not you.
This being said, I truly truly truly appreciate and love that most of my friends have totally respected this stance and have given me the space and time to be better. And for the occasional check in's and "hi!". I'm not scary so I won't be rude and shoo you off if you text or call me. I'm just doing a bit of time away from reaching out sangat dah because it's all I've been doing since I can ever remember. Stretching myself too thin by constantly doing this has not helped me in my healing and so once I realised that, I just decided to change lanes. Tu je. And if you've not heard from me in a while, it's most probably cause I haven't heard from you too. I still don't host big, big parties anymore but I do try to make the effort to go out for small dinners and lunches and as I've stepped into my 30s, it's just been super nice also to have more intimate outings with old and new friends.
I don't expect this post to be read by anyone really because I've abandoned it for ages now but whoever it reaches, I hope it brings bit more insight to where I was.
Still a lot of love for everyone!! Promise.