I am actually quite sad writing this because I haven't had the time to blog and I'm feeling myself slipping away from it and it's quite heartbreaking. Because I love this blog, it was my favourite thing (still is) and now that I've gotten busy with work, I just don't have the time. Every time I'm back from work, I'm just so, so tired and I usually just head to bed after watching a few Youtube videos and/or catch up with the rest of the world on Twitter and Instagram. I don't have time to sit down and write a post. Other than not having the time, I think I've also been pretty uninspired to write. I just don't have much to talk about these days. And more than anything, that leaves me kinda really very sad. I used to have a million and one things to talk about but these days, it gets difficult to do things when I'm always occupied with work. I still check my work email before going back to sleep to prep myself for the next day. I make working look like it's the shittiest thing but it really isn't. I just try to get as much work as I can within the hours I'm in the office because I hate feeling like I'm not worth the money I'm paid so I try to really exhaust myself at work and come home feeling like I did ok and that it was a great, productive working day.
I'm still getting used to it, actually. Getting up early still isn't as automatic as I'd like (my mum can't sleep past 7 am anymore, she's just so used to waking up super early for work) and I thought I'd get used to being tired and having a fixed bedtime routine. I don't, really. I'm not used to the work, I still get pretty stressed (and it shows because Nelissa and the rest have actually said that I've looked different from when I first interned, I'm looking much more stressed at work) when under a lot of workload. Thought at this point, I'd be a well-oiled machine. I'm working on it.
I really, really, really want to be a young, hip, cool, 24 year old, the one who still travels up and down and takes a lot of OOTD photos and have fun dinner parties with friends but I don't really. My whole thing of wanting to be more active on this blog and on Insta feels pretty much short-lived. And that upsets me because I'm still so new at working and I don't want to make it feel mundane and depressing. I guess I thought I would have done a lot more at this age.
I think I might cry.
I want to change things around for myself but I don't know how to get myself up for it and it's worst when you don't know where to start. I always start writing blog posts but never have it out because I never finish it. I'm like, stuck at the 2nd sentence because I won't know what to say. I have my own personal diary and there isn't much space to write in for each day anyway but even then I can't fill it up. Sometimes I forget to write an entry and I tend to just write 4 days worth at one go and it sucks because generally there won't be anything much for me to remember to write within that 4 days anyway. I feel really uninteresting and it sucks.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm not excited for a lot of things as much as I thought I would be. I feel like I'm kinda letting my younger and more exciting and more adventurous and ambitous self down. It's like I'm slowly succumbing to mundaneness and I'm allowing it to consume me.
I'm probably going to cry still about it but tomorrow's the 1st of April and I'm going to have to wake up tomorrow feeling better about my situation and that I'm one step closer to the bigger dream.
I'll write more and not just for my friends and family who read it but for myself so I hope everyone stays.