Sunday, December 25, 2022

Friends Who Weren't There

I've quit Instagram several times before. My longest stint was 2 months away from it. It was exactly what I needed and I felt an improvement in my life and mental health.

I'm currently off it. It's still there but I haven't been on the account for about 3-4 months. So I'm behind on some life updates from friends and acquaintances but maybe that's for the best. I had to make some changes in my life and being off Instagram was one of it. I will however say I do have a private one that I keep only for close friends. I have about 30 girls on it and they're some of my closest friends. Even there I've muted everyone's Stories so I only pick and choose whose I do click on to watch.

Social media has been toxic only because I'm at that age where people's achievements include high-paying jobs, luxurious holiday trips, marriage, children, etc. And as secure as you might claim to be, sometimes, on your off days, you catch yourself feeling like you've done nothing and that you're so behind. You can watch all the encouraging Tik Tok's and videos that say otherwise but sometimes there's just really nothing that'll convince you from what you've already started to internalise. That you're so far behind what is acceptable in society.

So that's why I'm off Instagram. I don't know if I want to come back because I've already made myself really comfortable in the confines of my 30-friends account. Being able to post my everyday and sharing personal life updates with friends that really matter to me (and who reached out to me when I wasn't feeling my best) is the only way I wanna go about social media these days. 

I've always known to be the friend that is friends with just about everyone and anyone. I love initiating friendships and I also love maintaining it. I'm the friend that will be game for just about any hang and will drive places to meet friends. I'd be active in Whatsapp group chats and will be at every party. 

So 2023 is the year I'll change that. I'll be turning 30 insyaAllah. The latter of 2022 was tough for me. Still is, if I'm honest. And there were friends who checked up on me and there were friends who went radio silent. To ease the process of healing, I'd like to see it at as a hikmah to this hardship. That through a difficult time, the real friends showed up. The true ones who stuck by me, looked after me and assured me they were in my corner. 

We're keeping the circle small and sweet this year and insyaAllah for all the years to come. We're taking this 'self-care' thing seriously. And that means removing people who weren't reciprocating that energy you've poured out. People who want to leave our lives... we've just gotta let them miss out. 


Monday, November 28, 2022

Sadness is an all encompassing feeling. It takes a lot out of you. It traps you; no amount of bits and pieces of joy you feel can totally cancel out the feeling of sadness. It comes back at the end of the day to remind you that it's still very much there - a big, dark entity weighing down on you.

I had a great Saturday, I went out to a birthday party and celebrated a really close friend. I had fun and had great food and laughed a lot. But I still totally crashed the night after, on my bed crying. The other day my colleagues and I were laughing about something so hard and so much all the way to the parking lot but as I was walking to my car, I got a whiff of a familiar scent and I got in the car barely holding it in. I couldn't drive after because I just broke down crying in the car. This is what I meant by the temporary happiness I get. It used to linger a lot longer. All it takes is a silly thought to cross my mind to keep me in check. To know that this isn't the reality I wanted.

I wish to have all the confidence in the world again. I wish to be as happy as I was in my last post. I wish I could meet friends again without them looking and asking "hey you ok?" sympathetically. Though I am grateful for friends who reached out and checked in with me. I am grateful I have my sisters who live with me who takes care of me. I am grateful for my colleagues who have picked up the slack for me at work when all I wanted to do was hide in the bathroom and cry. I'm grateful for my therapist who provided comfort and reassurance in the time and state of complete disarray. 

And as much as that has helped, there are some days I feel like I've never really progressed in this healing process. It feels like day 1. What's most difficult for me is that I feel myself chipping away. I can't see photos prior to a couple months ago because it depicts a different me and to imagine myself that way again feels so odd. Some songs on Spotify will play for 2 seconds before I rush to skip it because it reminds me of a sweeter time. There are longer and more winding roads I'd rather take than to drive on a familiar one that reminds me of a person I used to share it with.

I'm really so tired of being sad. It's so exhausting to always have this darkness on your back robbing you of your pockets of happiness throughout the day. Like it'll never be for me. Like it won't be here for long. Like it can never truly be mine to keep.

Sunday, July 17, 2022

Who posts about being happy at 1:36am? Me.

This is a random post to tell future self that present self as at 1:27am on the 17th of July 2022 is very happy and very content with the people in her life.

I just got back from a family dinner for Zaim's belated birthday dinner, celebrating his 28th with Hanis who's carrying their firstborn in her tummy. We're expecting baby boy in September insyaAllah and we all can't wait to be doting aunties/grandpa/grandma to the little bean. Yesterday I was out til 2am at an Airbnb with my colleagues who have turned to be my absolute friends for life. We cooked maggi (failed at it but made for good memories), sang, danced, laughed and shared personal stories. Last weekend we were in Penang for Raya and I spent the short break with my grandparents and some of my cousins. This past week I have been rounding up some friends for a bowling party next weekend and been texting so many friends about it. I'm so excited to play bowling with like 24 other friends who I love so so so so much. And tomorrow I'm about to see my boyfriend for lunch. Everything and everyone has made me so, so happy. I'm so blessed, this life is wonderful and I'm so happy it's mine. Alhamdulillah.


Saturday, June 11, 2022

My 2022 Raya

Hi! I wish I was a better blogger but facing the realities of work, once I come home and wind down, I kinda just want to scroll through TikTok 'til I fall asleep. 

Raya's come and gone! I can't believe I missed out on blogging that. In short (ye ke short), I absolutely enjoyed my one week holiday in Penang. Raya came unexpectedly early this year, the first time I've experienced it! And that was pretty eventful in and of itself. The *content* on TikTok and Reels and alllll the captions. It was hilarious to see. It was very rushed for a lot of people who expected another day of fasting. We were all good alhamdulillah in the Mahmood household. We did go out to buy lemang at 11pm just behind our house. But the market place was SO packed, the line extended outside. It was crazy! But also I'm sure very necessary lah since some people tak start apa pun lagi. 

But I loved it allllll, from start to finish. The food, the late night games, the company, the hecticness, the kecohness, the laughing, everything. It was so wonderful to see Raya in full force again. Amelia and Iman at point, got emotional about it and was tearing up seeing the house so full. I was happiest for my grandparents because they, above everyone else, missed this most. I loved it. It was the best Raya for my family and I alhamdulillah. I also went to Taiping after so, so, so, so long and that was sooo fun too. I just love seeing beraya all out and it was so nice to see everyone gathering together again. I can't describe it, I was just very happy.

I won't post many photos here sebab dah lama dah but some of my ultimate favourites. We had no theme for the first day but we were decked in purple for the second! 

The aforementioned lemang buying.

Raya announcement time! 

Nothing like a good Raya morning spread.

Iman's annual glam team.

Outfit's from Whimsigirl! I bought the sage green one first but always had the pink in mind so succumbed and got it too.

Whimsigirl team in Taiping! In the middle is our sweet, sweet cousin Elin.

Second day ''fit! I tailor made this. Perhaps one of my favourites I have.

Even Jeevan flew over! It was so nice and fun to have him in Penang and for him to see how we celebrate Raya. 

With my favourite in life.

Loved this year's colour theme. Mine's not exactly 100% purple but I think it made for a good colour mix anyway! Hehe

Hope you had a pretty great Raya too! We're about a few weeks away from Raya Haji and insyaAllah we will also be there in Penang to celebrate even if it's just for a few days. Stoked anyway! I always love going back - it's home.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I'm going to continue on my Stranger Things binge - as usual, I'm only starting on the show (from episode 1 of season 1). So far, so good. Don't know how I feel about this genre though!


Saturday, April 16, 2022

My Ramadhan 2022 so far

It's Ramadhan!! Alhamdulillah we're here yet again. It's day 14 of puasa already. I'm on my menses (worth noting I got it 20 minutes before berbuka yesterday) so I'm on a weeks break. But otherwise, it has been going well. It was great that the first day of Ramadhan fell on a Sunday so it was a good start for everyone - to be able to have a day of just rest and getting used to fasting again. I think the one thing about fasting is that you wake up for sahur and that tends to make sleeping difficult. I often get super super sleepy in the office because I don't get great sleep after sahur. When I mean great sleep, I mean longer than an hour or two. Haha. So in the past couple of days, I've actually skipped sahur. I'd wake up to drink and solat and then sleep again. I've also found that eating SO much for sahur doesn't really affect how late you'd be hungry again. I ate roti canai and a whole plate of rice one morning only to be hungry by 11am. 

I've been having a good mix of berbuka in and out. Here are some of my really really sedap dinners I've had. 

I'm soooo excited for Raya this year! We finally get to beraya with our families insyaAllah. And in Penang too!! I'm so stoked. It's been so long and most importantly, it's been so much longer for our grandparents who have had to spend it alone these past 2 years. 

Spoilt for choices for baju raya this year but I made mine months ago so I don't think I'll be buying anything anymore. But the Raya collections this year have been pretty impressive! You have to appreciate how creative designers have to go about creating something along the silhouette of the traditional kurung/kebaya. 

So excited to see what everyone will wear this year. Macam MET Gala pun ada gak rasanya. Refreshing Instagram after lunch to see what people have been doing/wearing/eating. Always so fun.

Ooh! I also recently went on a trip to Kuantan with Marissa. Our first trip out since our 2014 Amsterdam/Berlin one. It was so so so fun and just something both of us needed. I loved every second. Can't wait to blog about it and show you some photos! I haven't been on a beach holiday in eons so it was so wonderful to be reunited with the sand and sea. 

Selamat Berpuasa everyone! At the risk of sounding like a broken record, my sincere hope is that everyone gets some clarity and a lot of light this Ramadhan that continues throughout this whole year. Make lots of doa and do a lot of good this year. InsyaAllah, prayers answered soon for everyone. 

"Whatever is prayed for at the time of breaking the fast is granted and never refused" 
-Nabi Muhammad SAW

Be good!!


Thursday, March 3, 2022

Suite 29th

I've just realised I've not blogged about my birthday party this year! I feel like there's just a lot of birthday content on this first front page but it's only cause I just had a lot of fun this year! So bear with it. Lepas ni, no more for 2022.

Ok! So for this year, I decided to get a suite to have my friends over for a birthday hang. We'd play games, borak and have dinner at the hotel. I ended up getting the Ritz for the night. Invited my best babes. Had a ball of a time. The room was so much bigger than what I had anticipated. It was a two-bedroom suite but they also had a whole kitchen (with oven, full fledged fridge, etc) and a study. So it was super spacious and it fit us really comfortably. That mattered most to me, I wanted everyone to feel like they could be there all night long! In the end, I had Marissa, Putri, Nana and Hanna stay over with me. Though I wouldn't have mind if more wanted to bunk in!

Ok, since it's been some time since the party, I'm going to blog via photos. I've got loads to share! 

Did a bit of a world tour before going to the hotel. I love driving as you might or might not know and I love myself some company while at it. Picked up Aina, my birthday cake, Nana and Putri before heading to Ritz. I've also just realised all three friends in the car come from completely different circle of friends! I love bringing my favourite people together.

There's a video somewhere in our phones of the room tour. It was just me going around enthusiastically.

Aina, Sarah and Marissa helped me put together the party packs. One of my favourite childhood memories was packing the party packs when I was a kid before every/any birthday parties we'd have at home. We'd have different stations and everyone was in charge of a sweet/gift to put in the bag. It was like a well-oiled production line and it was just always fun. So for all the parties I've done (and will do), I like doing the same! I had sweet treats, a face mask, scrunchie, hair clip, sticker, and socks if I can remember all correctly. I got them all via Shopee! Which was super easy and convenient. 

My first few guests! Including baby Adam Noah, Sarah's baby who also happens to be the cutest baby around.

Time for make-up! I basically forced Marissa to do my eye make up for me cause she's really really good at it and I love how she's so daring and bold with it. I'm not as adventurous but I loooove myself a good eyeshadow action.

I wanted dinner to be something fuss-free and can be shared all ways. So that's usually just down to pizzas! We ordered from Pizza Mansion which isn't too far away! I had also ordered in a few other things like brownies and lemon tarts. My absolute favourites and I had to share that with everyone else.

I'm not sure who asked for it but mid party, we decided to make a Tik Tok! Hahahaha our in-house specialist Sherry (in pink) seen here filming a scene. It was SO much fun and I loved seeing how sporting everyone was to join. It's somewhere on Tik Tok/Stories but I won't post it here haha soz!

Brought my old friend Avalon to the party. It was intense because you have to remember this was an all-girls party so there was a lot of screaming and swearing. All around great party game hahaha

My cake's from Tiny Baker, they're located in Kota Damansara. It was so good too! I first tried them out at Mun and Nana's NYE party. The one I ordered was a vanilla peach one. And it was well received by everyone so take it from them! 

Anis, Dibs and I. These two are cracking hilarious, there was no way I wouldn't invite them to my parties and all of any events to come.

One of the most notable people in my life that has had a lasting effect for me: Aina. What would I have been if I hadn't moved schools and became classmates with this sunshine of a person? Love you so much Aina, you're the inspiration.

Budak Sri D!!!! Hahahaha

Um wait scuse me, can we take a minute to appreciate this HANDMADE BAG FROM DIBA????? The flower print is so ridiculously good and like??? Is there seriously anything sweeter and more thoughtful??? No. I have brought this bag for travels already, it's just the best and I can't thank Diba enough for this. Cry.

I also LOVE THIS BAG SO MUCH. I came across it on Carousell and was immediately sold because the colour is divine and it's just so damn pretty. Aina asked what I wanted and I sent her the link. Tip: Carousell's a fantastic place to buy evening bags. So far I have 5 from there and they're all so beautiful.

Missing in action: Pana who was busy getting ready for her climb to Kinabalu.

My babe for life for ever for all of time.

Top: Mango, Pants: Topshop, Shoes: Charles & Keith, Birthday Tiara: Shopee.

Before heading to bed, Marissa and I Facetimed our favourite Scotsman Kanda. We love and miss him so much!! He's too busy being a bougie doctor in Glasgow for us but it was so sweet of him to give us a call. He's truly seen us at our best and at our lowest (also... ugliest). He was also very nice to buy us bougie breakfast the next day for all of us who stayed over! Hehe bagus ni ada kawan baik kaya raya earning in Euros.

My birthday presentsssssss!! This year I was practical enough to let people know straight up what I wanted! That pink glittery bag was a link I gave Aina, that eyeliner was what I asked from Diy, those pyjamas were what I wanted from Putri, Aina and Sher. The gold hoops I asked from Hanna are the only two gold hoops I wear these days. I loved all presents though!! I use them all the time, from candle to perfume to blusher to bags. Thank you everyone!!!! Sayang like mad, y'all.

Our VCR breakfast courtesy of one very sweet Dr Kanda.

All in all, this was probably my most favourite birthday yet! I love rounding up some of my favourite people from all parts of my life together celebrating my turning a year older. It always feels like a reunion. I love my guy friends, of course, but I find so much fun and comfort in having an all girls party. Everyone feels comfortable and we get to do whatever we want as much as we want however we want. And I'd like these girls to know that I'll always have them for all of my birthdays to come insyaAllah. I'm truly not the person I am today writing this post if not for the girls in this photo (and some other favourites who unfortunately could not make it). I looooove everyone and I already can't wait for the next party (mine or anyone else's hehe).

Ok dah, that's it. No more birthday posts for this year. Next year pulak.