NZ

Sadness is an all encompassing feeling. It takes a lot out of you. It traps you; no amount of bits and pieces of joy you feel can totally cancel out the feeling of sadness. It comes back at the end of the day to remind you that it's still very much there - a big, dark entity weighing down on you.

I had a great Saturday, I went out to a birthday party and celebrated a really close friend. I had fun and had great food and laughed a lot. But I still totally crashed the night after, on my bed crying. The other day my colleagues and I were laughing about something so hard and so much all the way to the parking lot but as I was walking to my car, I got a whiff of a familiar scent and I got in the car barely holding it in. I couldn't drive after because I just broke down crying in the car. This is what I meant by the temporary happiness I get. It used to linger a lot longer. All it takes is a silly thought to cross my mind to keep me in check. To know that this isn't the reality I wanted.

I wish to have all the confidence in the world again. I wish to be as happy as I was in my last post. I wish I could meet friends again without them looking and asking "hey you ok?" sympathetically. Though I am grateful for friends who reached out and checked in with me. I am grateful I have my sisters who live with me who takes care of me. I am grateful for my colleagues who have picked up the slack for me at work when all I wanted to do was hide in the bathroom and cry. I'm grateful for my therapist who provided comfort and reassurance in the time and state of complete disarray. 

And as much as that has helped, there are some days I feel like I've never really progressed in this healing process. It feels like day 1. What's most difficult for me is that I feel myself chipping away. I can't see photos prior to a couple months ago because it depicts a different me and to imagine myself that way again feels so odd. Some songs on Spotify will play for 2 seconds before I rush to skip it because it reminds me of a sweeter time. There are longer and more winding roads I'd rather take than to drive on a familiar one that reminds me of a person I used to share it with.

I'm really so tired of being sad. It's so exhausting to always have this darkness on your back robbing you of your pockets of happiness throughout the day. Like it'll never be for me. Like it won't be here for long. Like it can never truly be mine to keep.