Us, girls

As a friend and a sister and as a girl in general, I've heard a lot of boy troubles. I've listened, I've advised, I've sighed, I've agreed and disagreed, I've taken sides, I've been on the fence.

But ultimately, I always find myself saying,

"Boys don't know what they do to us sometimes"

It keeps us up at night. It keeps us up thinking about you. We're annoyed at just how much we're consumed by you because most of the time, we're busy convincing ourselves that we're not.

The smallest joy you bring into our lives, they're magnified the second we like you. That small smiley you send us mean much much more than just a small smiley. That 5 minute call just to ask how we are mean much much more than just a 5 minute call when we fall for you. When you say you miss us, don't you know we miss you more. When you say good night and good morning, don't you know that it already is a good night and a good morning because of you. When we catch you looking at us from the other end of a table, smiling, we can't help but let out a sigh because that smile was for us, and only us.

Similarly, the smallest heartbreak you bring onto us, they're magnified. The change in the tone of your voice when you call us, and the change in your affection in your texts. Do you really think we don't know your change of heart. And do you really not know what that does to a girl. When you don't call us anymore and you don't text us anymore without explaining why. When you leave us hanging. When you finally tell us that "they cannot be anymore of you and me". It crumbles us and our hearts gets so heavy. The unhappiness and the heavy feeling of being on that end; I won't wish it on anyone. The heartbreak is real. I've seen it, I've experienced it.

When you have our heart in your hands, be careful. Because once we give away a part of our heart to you, we give it to you completely. It's yours. Even after things have ended, that place in us is yours completely. We don't revoke it just because we're not together anymore. The memories we've made together, we remember. The things you've done for us and the things you do to us, we remember. And it's not because we're obsessed with you, but it's because it was the only thing we can cling on to even when we've become nothing. Because it's the only thing you've given us.

When you put the kissing emoji after a text, it sends us over the moon. When you randomly tell us we're pretty, it sends us over the stars. When you say "Miss you already" with complete honesty in your voice, it sends us to a place beyond our control.

There's something about your name we're so enamored about. Let it be a notification on Twitter or Instagram or when you call us, when we see your name, we linger a little longer. It never bothered us before, but it does now. And we're thinking if you see our names the way we do yours.

You have to be flattered when a girl likes you. Because girls are egoistical beings. They push the idea of you for so long. So when they do allow a little space in their heart for you, treasure it. We don't do that often. I don't do it often.

Some boys might think girls are way way ahead of themselves for thinking about the future. It's not that. It's called being optimistic. We want to think that you're the one. We want to think that it'll work out. We start seeing your name and ours together and we like the way it sounds. I've seen some of my friends so happy and when they gush about their beaus, I can't help but immerse myself in their bubble of love because it's so damn contagious.

You don't know just how much you mean to us. Seeing you makes us weak at the knees and makes our hearts beat faster. Just recently, I was with a friend who met someone who meant a lot to her. They've not seen each other nor talked in a long time. She grabbed me by my arm and said "Nadia, Nadia, Nadia" and when I turned to see her, she had this expression as if she's just seen a ghost. She was shaking. She showed me her hands. They were trembling.

This is what you do to us.

When you make the first move, do you boys not know how much it makes our day. We smile stupidly at our phone screens, going back and forth the keyboard thinking of what to say to you next. We laugh at your jokes and they're not even that funny (ok fine sometimes they are). I can always tell when a girl is texting someone she likes just from how she acts when she's on the phone with him. She puts the phone down after a while but the smile is still sitting on her face.

We remember everything you've said to us. Sometimes, word by word. We take it part by part and analyse it and think WAY too much. We secretly hate it and we wish we could be boys for a second and chill about things too.

We look forward to you everyday. And one of the things that keep us up thinking is whether you look forward to us too.

Our friends know about you, they know about what you did and what you do and what you said and what we did. They just pretend to not know a thing when they meet you.

When things don't go well for us, we start beating ourselves up for it. Sure, we would put the blame on you and we would call you stupid and "ugh, boys" but at 2 am when the house is quiet, instead of taking apart what you say to us, we take apart what we said to you. We slowly feel this huge burden on our backs and question ourselves,

"Maybe it was because of me"

Were we not good enough for you, were we not accommodating enough, were we not worthy enough, were we not fun enough for you, were we not attractive enough.

Were we not enough?

And this part sucks. It really does.
Because we think of the things we could have done better or things we could have changed.

I know someone who couldn't bring herself to see anyone and do anything after her heartbreak. She was left paralysed for a bit because of what happened with her and this boy. And she's nothing like that in nature and I think that made me really see how much affect a boy can leave onto a girl.

Boys, you don't know what you do to us. You make us fall for you, you make us laugh, you make us feel really beautiful, you make us feel like we're the moon and the stars to you, but ultimately you make us really happy. And when I say happy, I mean genuine happiness engulfs us and we are in a state of bliss to be on that receiving end of your morning texts and your good night calls. Our little heart gets so full and we have a spring in our step and we look forward to you everyday.

I've been there myself and it was the loveliest feeling.

As girls, we analyse too much and it's harmful sometimes because we tend to make things up from nothing at all. We spend too much time and so much effort thinking what's wrong with us and why isn't he calling me or why was his last 'Bye' not accompanied with smileys or an 'xx' ? We get so worked up over nothing. Fights come about from us scolding the boys for doing things they never intended on doing. Girls, we have to admit this and we have to fault ourselves.

Boys say we think too much or we feel too much or we're way overbearing and overwhelming with our feelings. To be honest, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's our nature to think a little too much and feel a little too much. It comes with the territory of being a girl. And when we like someone, it goes beyond our control and we fall hard and we fall deep. Sometimes a little too hard and sometimes a little too deep.

And this, this we shouldn't fault ourselves for.