A trip to Singapore and to the hospital

It's a Monday and I'm still at home on my MC. It's been a good 2 weeks now that I haven't been to work. 

So on the 5th of November, Iman and I made a trip to Singapore but we took a flight to Johor instead cause we were staying there instead to save money. The whole point of the trip was to catch Khalid at concert and yes, for the umpteenth time, I KNOW he was here in KL but we bought tickets as soon as we found out he was going to perform at Singapore. And I mean, we got a trip out of it so all's good! 

We landed in Johor and checked ourselves in a fancy hotel. Wish we stayed there the entirety of our trip but on the 2nd night, we thought it would be best to get a hotel in Singapore because concerts can go on for ages and we didn't fancy the idea of getting on a late night bus/train back to Johor.

We took a bus to Singapore on our first day in Johor and that's because we didn't get train tickets in time, they were all sold out for the day. The buses were fine, just that it's a longgggg process. You get on the bus, ride for 5 minutes before reaching the Singapore immigration which stole the majority of our time. After that, we hop on another bus (after asking locals because we had no clue where to stand/wait) and that bus then brings you to wherever. We didn't know where it was headed to be honest but it stopped at a bus stop very close by to the hotel I stayed during a work trip once and so I knew the area pretty well. The bus trip, however, took SO long. Didn't realise how far it was but all's good.

We immediately went to go find California Pizza Kitchen - it's our favourite Italian place. Unfortunately, it's no longer in KL but who wants to start a petition to bring it back! Who needs Ben's anyway?? We went to the Forum to find CPK but it was no longer there and though Iman won't admit it, I swear I saw tears well up in her eyes. We've looked forward to CPK perhaps 1% more than we were to watch Khalid. But we got a quick bit of WiFi and Iman googled CPK in Singapore and saw that it has moved just across the street. We were *elated*. Got our usuals and downed them in no time. We even got vouchers but never got around to use it. 

It was so good, I highly recommend anyone to get their Italian fix at CPK if ever you're in Singapore!

Then we walked around but we got tired pretty quick because we had such an early start to the day. So we decided to get the bus back to Johor. We did and it took some time for us to get back to the hotel. Made a quick detour to a McDonalds and had some really good burgers back in the hotel room. 

Day 2 started pretty early too because we got train tickets for 10am so we checked out and got ourselves on the train. Train is relatively a lot easier though I won't say it's any quicker. We still had to get on a bus from the train station to get to where we wanted to go. Got to talking with an elderly Malay couple on the bus and they were really, really sweet. Was so odd though that they referred to Malaysians as 'orang sana'. But super nice and made the bus ride tolerable. 

Checked in the hotel and went out for lunch at Overeasy - a burger place we found on Orchard Road. It had really cool 80s decor, complete with a game machine by the entrance. The burgers were really good too! Went back to the hotel and took a nap before heading to the concert venue. Met up with Zaf, and we took a Grab to Zepp Box. The line was ridiculous and I felt like the oldest one there! Everyone else was Iman's age and you can DEFINITELY DEFINITELY tell. I felt so out of place and have never in my life felt so old! Concert went great, Iman especially loved it loads and was singing to every song! I knew a bit and sang as much as I could but was enjoying seeing Iman so hyped about Khalid more than anything! 

Our last day in Singapore was short but sweet - we had lunch at a Korean chicken place just down the street from our hotel. Packed and left for Johor because we were taking the flight back from Senai Airport. It felt like a very short trip because of all the time spent on buses and trains. No Singapore for me for a while! Haha 

Came home, worked and was sent home early on Friday because I was coughing so much at work. And I started to slowly lose my voice which I was bit confused at because I didn't scream or sing too much at the concert. Figured it was the cough so I brushed it off.

That weekend I fell really sick. And I know when I'm sick because no amount of water is enough to hydrate me and no amount of food or sleep could make me feel any better! Went to a doctor on Sunday and he said it was high fever and prescribed me antibiotics which I diligently took. Wasn't feeling any better and wasn't eating/sleeping much because my cough was ridiculous all night. On Wednesday, I went to another doctor and got prescribed some boring meds that weren't addressing my fever at all which I was bit annoyed at but was too tired to argue. Got an MC til Friday because I knew I wasn't going to feel any better the next couple of days. 

On Friday, I went to ANOTHER doctor and it was an hour wait (she's incredibly popular in my neighbourhood and we've been going to her since we were kids - she's now semi retired so she's not always in the clinic which is why I didn't go to her earlier on) and during the wait I just told my mum, "Can't I just go to the hospital? I've been sick for a whole week now." The doctor then referred me to a hospital and came home to pack whatever I could get my hands on and left for DSH (now KPJ Damansara).

That was around Friday prayers and I only got to my room at Maghrib! They did blood test, did an x-ray and I had to be on an IV drip for an hour. This was my first time being admitted to a hospital so I was a bit nervous and scared. My lovely Mama stayed with me the night but don't think she got any sleep because I didn't sleep at all! I was up all night coughing my lungs out and so I was incredibly tired the next morning. My temperature was the highest that night. Mum left for work the next day and I actually cried hahahaha just because I hated being sick and I hated being sick in the hospital!! The bed was alright but meh, I wanted to be home. The nurses made up for it though - they were really nice to me throughout my time there. Had hospital meals which were... ick so my mum came by a lot to bring me food. 

Doctor said from my x-ray, it was pneumonia so I had to stay put for the next few days to be on antibiotics and on my drip. I got used to it but the tube made it difficult to shower and basically do anything with my right hand. But it was alright, I had my laptop and WiFi was great so I did a lot of Korean variety show watching. Nurses would come in in the middle of the night and ask, "Tak tidur lagi?" hahaha

Was discharged on Tuesday which was a public holiday. My first meal out was thai food because I had been craving for it since I got sick and I wanted to eat something hot and spicy. My appetite wasn't 100% back yet so I didn't enjoy it as much as I had thought. In fact, it took a bit of time to want to eat - I've only just gotten it back.

But that was that. I'm all better now alhamdulillah! Can eat and sleep like normal. Just have the occasional coughing but all's good.

Take your vitamins! Drink water and stay away from cold showers at night (my grandparents have warned me against this for so long now and said I'd get pneumonia if I'm not careful. Well whaddya know).

xx

Sarah gets engaged!

Ok 2 weeks difference between my last post and today's. Not half bad.

So! Exciting news. Sarah is engaged!!!! Sarah's my friend from college and she's the sweetest person. Really, like she is so nice!! The kind of person you can NEVER think of anything bad to say. Not that you should but you can't say anything negative about this girl even if you really really tried. So happy for her. This was also the first time I've been to an engagement! Didn't really know what the procedure was or how it was supposed to be. Like what do you say?? What happens after the ring is given to the blushing bride-to-be? Does everyone just sit around feeling awkward? No? Just me?

The night before the engagement day, Sarah texted Fatin and I to come over and help her out with things. It ended really more of a gossip session while trying to figure out how to balance fruits on a dulang hantaran and arranging flowers. It was really fun. Tryna rid Sarah of all her nerves and worries!

We were supposed to be early the next morning but I slept so late so I was slightly late. In time to see her getting ready and stressing about her tudung. I didn't know they were technicalities to getting the tudung right! She looked so pretty as she always does. Got to meet her family and friends also which was really nice! I actually low key love making new friends. I know I always say that I like being a homebody but it's always very, very nice to meet new people. Sarah's friends were so nice and friendly so it was a great time meeting the dulang girls hehe.

Graceful as always... this girl was so impatient! The guests had only came in and she was itching to go downstairs to see what was going on.

UGH SO PRETTY!

Marissa stressing out that I asked her to do my eyeliner. So I asked someone else to do it hahaha

Emotional. We're so big already!!!

Sarah is now officially engaged! Can't wait for her big day! Also, you can't tell but she's actually stressing about her tudung and veil.

The theme was lilac if you can't already tell so I actually had mine made for the occasion. Extra, I know. But atleast now I have something lilac in my closet for future lilac-themed engagements. 

All together now!

Before ending the blog, real quick. I was about to go meet my friends for dinner at Dolly Dim Sum and out of all days I decide to be economical and took the train. I was running late and as I was making the switch from the MRT to the LRT, my shoe strap came off. A wave of panic came over me. Shit. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO WALK. It's the kind of shoe that had one thin strap to support the weight of my walks so once that gave in, it was rendered completely useless. As I was trying to figure out what the f*ck was I gonna do, a group of girls (and their sassy guy friend) came over to me and was like,

"Do you need glu gajah?" 

"Huh?"

"Glu gajah. We saw you just now and felt so kesian!"

TBH I was more 'Huh?' because like? Who carries glu gajah around??? And why am I not doing the same???

"Yes please!!!!!"

and they helped me glue the strap back into its place and even asked if I'd like them to stay 'til the glue dries. The whole time I was in awe because I mean how nice were they to come over and help me out. They said it's happened to them plenty of times so they understood how it felt. Bless them I love you guys thank you for being my life saviours!!!! I hope good things come back for all of you!!

But friends, night got worst. I didn't wait for the glue to dry because what am I if not impatient and hungry. So I walked to the trains very slowly and carefully. But still very panicky because well... I got on the wrong train. Next thing you know I was at KL Sentral - going the opposite direction. So as I hopped off KL Sentral, my strap came undone. Again. If I had just been cool, calm and collected and gotten on the wrong train, this wouldn't have happened and even if it did atleast I was already at KLCC!!!!! FML. Struggled to walk - went over to a telecom booth and asked if they had cellophane tape and they were very dismissive. How can you not have cellophane tape or glue anywhere around??? You're a business??? Whatever - gave them a mental middle finger and limped my way back to the right train. Obviously missing it because I was walking too slow. 

I was texting my group of friends explaining the situation and they laughed and that made me laugh so that was good. Had to ask them to get me a pair of whatever sandals because I needed it. Got off the train and Amal was there to the rescue with my bright pink (I appreciate the thought) pool sliders.

Crying. They're easily repairable but now I'll have a longtime trauma and these are my favourite no-brainer silver heels!

And my new pool sliders. It went well with my outfit so there's that.

Just needed to document this on my blog because I have to remember the girls at the train station who came to my rescue and were so gracious about my incident and then the girls at the restaurant waiting for me too who made my night a lot better.

I don't always do but damn, I love people.

xx

Been a while!

It's already October tomorrow. Is it still appropriate to say/tweet "Wake me up when September ends" or did that joke die in 2008? 

So glad to be blogging again! I've been meaning to write in an entry for a bit now but never got around doing it because workload spiked in recent weeks so I'm always quite drained. And the drive back home is really what kills it. I hate traffic jam. It's the worst. You kinda just wanna be home literally right after work but even thinking about going through shit traffic kills your vibe!! I much prefer getting on the train to and fro. 

I don't have major news to update but I'll blog about what I've done in recent weeks.

So weddings! We'll start with weddings first. I love myself a wedding. I have personal reservations on weddings but it's a night out with friends in really pretty clothing so I love it anyhow.

So cool how as you grow older you realise the world is just really very tiny. Aina (middle) is my friend from when I was 9 and she went to high school with Sherry (on your left). And Sherry went to KY with me. Best part is we all live literally 4 minutes within one another. And I have NEVER met them anywhere around my place. Like not even at the local mart or at McD or at a petrol station.

With the bridesmaids. Also very loud and kecoh group of girls. So, so, so fun regardless!

This one's at Rongge's wedding. Really beautiful set-up and all of his friends were seated at the back of the hall... for very good reason. We were too loud and definitely not as calm and collected as all the adults in the room haha. Was really cool seeing everyone dress up for this.

Finally got to wear my lace kebaya. Lace is from Jakarta and this is wholly inspired by Bunga Citra Lestari's red get-up for Yuna's wedding.

With my Bristolian bebe.

So before I got into Taman Tun, I was in a high school that was walking distance from my place. I was only there for a year before moving to Taman Tun but I had the BEST company there. It was so fun because the girls that I spent my days with were so so so so so so funny and so sweet and they really made my whole year there. We lost contact after I got into a new school because they too went on to different schools. One of the girls I got really close to (she lives few roads down from me so we used to study together all the time too!) was Fatimah. People call her Mia but I'm old school and am probably the few who call her that. Anyway, she got married to her longtime boyfriend and she invited me to her wedding which was so so sweet given that we've not spoken/met in AGES! She glowed and my heart's so full for her. She's really incredibly lovely and I ask for nothing but happy days for her and her new husband. 

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Spent our Malaysia Day weekend at Riuh! This would be my second time in a row spending it at Riuh. Last year I was helping out with Nelissa's booth but this time was solely spent with my sister. It was Riuh's first time at a brand new location, a depot at Sentul West. It was SO much more spacious, making way for a lot more vendors and food stalls. And plenty for a good OOTD. It was a pretty gloomy day but didn't rain so much so the weather was perfect. The problem with the last location was that it was just ridiculous hot everywhere you go. 

With our RM0.01 ice-cream Malaysia. You didn't read that wrong. It was actually seriously 1 cent each.

This lady was super friendly and incredibly talented. I actually stayed on at Riuh just to get our portraits done. Don't know if you can see it from this photo but bless her, she drew my forehead so wide that it looked really funny hahaha but swear she's so cool!

Iman and her Chinese takeout. You best believe she got it mostly cause of the takeout box.

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... so this happened. I finally went for Tulus!!!!! I really, really, really wanted to see him live but he wasn't on the list of performers for this year's Java Jazz Fest in Jakarta so you can imagine how ecstatic I was upon learning he was coming to KL for his first concert in Malaysia.

I mean, I'm such a sucker for Indonesian voices and I love their music so much. Tulus is my favourite Indonesian gem and so you can imagine just how much fun I had at his intimate concert. His voice is extraordinary and was unreal. Echoed so beautifully around the hall. And the live band was fantastic and I just loved all of it! There were so many times during the concert that I went, "oh wow this is Tulus I'm seeing live!!!". It was held at Istana Budaya so it was really nice also in terms of how chilled the whole show was - no phones, no cameras, no screaming excessively. Ok fine there were excessive screaming... by me. It was really fun lah ok best concert I've been ever! Yes!! Even beats Beyoncé! 

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Spent last Sunday with Marissa who just recently got back from Dublin! This time for good! Did our nails at the prettiest manicure place at Great Eastern Mall. Overpriced but a nice splurge once in a while I suppose?? So fancy for my toes!

Caught up with Marissa for a good 4 hours on a bowl of salad (her) and pavlova (me), so good to have her back. I've a million and one places I've wanted to go but never had the right person to go with and Marissa's the right person so I can't wait to start ticking off my list with her.

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Our Merdeka night spent at Bob's place for an intense game night. Intense like... screaming unnecessarily and emotionally. Was pretty disappointed that there wasn't a *decent* fireworks display at KLCC. Bob's place has a fantastic view of the KL skyline so we could see KLCC and the KL Tower just fine but... nothing! That was fine - we were back to our games a minute after the clock struck midnight. The theme was supposed to be the Jalur Gemilang colours but.... underwhelming. My friends never understood what a themed get together ever meant. 

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Papa hits the big 5-9! For his birthday, Mama planned a breakfast do at home. My dad's really really big on breakfasts and swears it's the most important meal of the day and well, he's had a tough time having the table full for breakfast because we're i) sleepyheads ii) don't appreciate breakfast as much as he does. But we woke up really early to accommodate to his time and had breakfast with him. Albeit rushed but it was really nice, regardless. I love the old man <3 nbsp="" p="">

This was the day after when he asked for dim sum for lunch. He doesn't usually like dim sum so this was an odd choice but we weren't complaining cause we love us some dim sum any day anytime.

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With my play dates (get it?), Ewa and Hanna.

Supported my dear friend, Nabil at his most recent work at Istana Budaya. It was in conjunction with Malaysia Day and it was a story about a Chinese family finding their footing in Malaysia. Falling in love with a esteemed Malay boy and the mess that comes from that. So happy for him! Need to see him on the main bill very soon - talent bigger than the stage, this boy!

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Had some really kick-ass Indian food with these two ladies which was so sedap btw! It's called Flour and it's at Bukit Damansara. Sedap, you should go! It's tad bit pricey but it was really tasty. We had some odd desert that Sarah swore was really good. Took a bit to acquire the taste hahaha. Then we moved to Huckleberry After Dark for desert. Mind you this was on a Sunday and we stayed right 'til closing. Loved this night out so much just cause it was a lot of catching up and de-stressing. We don't see each other as much as we'd like because of work and family so when we do, we've got enough material to cover for the whole day and a half basically haha 

Coffee time with the boys. I say 'coffee time' but I don't drink coffee. I ordered some off tasting tea that I just had to endure because of how mahal it is. Never really got why tea is so expensive in these coffee shops. 

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Last but not least! My mum's really into baking these days, guys. Her farewell present from her former school was an oven and let's just say she's put it to real good use. She's chilled a bit from the baking but I swear she used to do a cake (or two) every single day for the first two weeks she got it. If it wasn't a cake, it was lasagna or pie or something that was OVEN BAKE-ABLE. I joke that she's found something to do during her retirement years. But I kinda think she'll do something about it. Stay tuned to Liza's Baking hahaha

My mum and her bread butter pudding. She's real cute.

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Work tomorrow! Back to it. I hope to not stretch on too long 'til my next post. I'm feeling out of the loop lately because I'm not on Instagram anymore and I must say, it's so refreshing. I'm usually the first person to know about something so now when people ask me, "Have you heard...?" "Have you seen her Story??" I'm like nope please enlighten me what is this Instagram you speak of. 

I recommend it, being off Instagram I mean. it's really nice to regroup your focus on things other than what people are having for lunch.

xx

My time out

I never really understood why people would delete or atleast disable their Instagram account. All the memories you've posted (lol) and all the stories people are posting!!

Then I realise it's not that - it's the overwhelming content that comes with it. It's the unnecessary pressure I find I'm putting myself on and the icky feeling that lingers after that. 

I'm taking a time out. And I'm curious to see how long I can go without it.

I'm still on Twitter (my favourite social media platform) and you can find me here too.

As always.

xx

Mid August update!

Long time no update!! I promised myself I'd write something this weekend to have this blog up and going again. I missed writing - I just didn't know what I wanted to write about. So when that happens, I usually just do what is easy for me - updates.

What I've Been Watching

I've been spending all my time on my laptop watching House of Cards. I don't know what prompted me to start but I just did. And I'm glad I did - it's so good! I've watched the first 2 seasons before but I dropped it for season 3 because it got boring for me then. I'm enjoying it now so I'm determined to stay 'til the latest season. This hasn't done anything to my Korean skillz though - I realised how quick it is for me to forget the language when I don't practice it everyday. My 'practice' would often be watching shows and listening to Korean music but I haven't done that in what seems to be ages so it's gettin' rusty. Need to start getting back real soon.

What I've Been Listening To
Day 1 by Honne

Sanctify by Years & Years

Ddu-du-ddu-du by Blackpink

Still Good by DNCE

She Don't by Ella Mai

Dance To This by Troye Sivan feat. Ariana Grande

Money Honey (Count Me In) by Dipha Barus, Monica Karina

Indah Pada Waktunya by Rizki Febian, Aisyah Aziz

and very recently (as in yesterday kinda recent)

everytime by Ariana Grande

R.E.M by Ariana Grande

What I've Been Doing

I went for my first KLFW show ever and safe to say that I'll choose to not go to another one again. If you have me on Twitter, you'd know why exactly from my rants there. Basically, it's a stifling event with no inch of room for designers to truly be creative and come to their own as a brand. It's predictable, literally the same set-up every year since it's established. It's not an event to look forward to and it's poorly managed and organised and I hate how the Malaysian culture of Instafamous kids is seeping through the event with them being within the front two rows and designers all the way in the back. It's an obvious play of who's who rather than the whole fashion show itself. I hate it and I won't go again if I had a choice. Here's a link to an article originally published in NST but has since then been deleted. It echoes my thoughts on how KLFW is nothing but a fancy name. A revamp is much needed. Maybe start with having the designers choose their own location? Maybe not at a mall? Maybe less time on unnecessary speeches about GST (this happened I swear)? Maybe don't care for social influencers? Maybe not have the royals on special chairs? I mean, Queen Elizabeth didn't sit on a fancy throne when she was at a fashion show with Anna Wintour? 

At Kyo (and this was my first time there ever hahaha) for a trend forecasting talk.

Bumped into my sweetheart of a cousin, Raha, who was working for this year's KLFW.

My mum received news that she'll be transferred to a new school and so this week she's gotten so many surprises from her current school as her farewell. It's very, very sweet and it's shown me just how wonderful and generous she truly is. I mean, I've always known but it's just really nice to see she means a lot to all of her colleagues. My mum can make friends with anyone and everyone so I don't doubt she'll be so loved in her new workplace but can't help but feel sad that she's leaving her current school! Tania and I went to her school on Friday to surprise her with a cake. 

Love my mother, she's all I want to be.

My mum is the queen of organising potluck at school and almost every week there's a makan makan. The teachers took the effort to place lace table cloth during the farewell because God forbid there isn't one when Mama's around. I love seeing how she's adored and loved by everyone there.

Also, Tania and I are planning to set up shop at Carousell to sell of some of our clothes that don't see light of day so we hope you go check them out soon! We haven't done anything but we'll definitely have it set up within the next week or so. I'm excited to make way for new clothes now hahaha

and why yes, if you're still wondering, I'm still watching football. 

Me at my friends house for game night. Setting up my fantasy football team while watching a match last Saturday night. My guy friends couldn't get over it.

Talk soon?

xx

I like football...?

This is truly a new year.

I? Enjoy? Football?

Yes, people. You are still on my blog. And no, you're not delirious.

I've always liked watching the World Cup because there's something about it being national that I've just always really admired and loved. I love seeing a country come together to support a team. It's heartwarming. You've got endless issues with your country and fellow countryman but when it comes to backing someone who's representing your home, everyone's on the same side. AIN'T THAT REALLY SWEET?

 So yes, I totally watch the World Cup because of how emotional it actually is to me.

This World Cup, I was rooting for Germany as always. Loved them last time I watched them play and the WC before that. I was ridiculously excited for them when they won the last time 'round. Gutted they were booted out in the Group Stage which still feels so crazy because they're the Germans??? They always advance to at least the quarter finals! But anyway, they were out. The next team I supported?

England.

You wanna know why? Because my dad is a faithful and die-hard fan of the England squad. He's always supported them no matter how shit they were before this but man, he stuck through the tough times and he's still here, in his old England jersey that he wears religiously and chanting 

'ENGLAND, ENGLAND, ENGLAND!'. 

His fervour for the squad is contagious. Next thing you know I'm also chanting 'ENGLAND, ENGLAND, ENGLAND' and humming to 'It's cooooming home!', fully aware that England isn't home per se. (It kinda really is though)

Guys. I actually took the time to take out my notebook to write down the names of every player on the squad and their clubs and actually memorised them. Like. Memorised. "What even am I doing???" I said to myself while writing down their names and clubs and etching it into memory. 

"I just have to! If I want to be in this, I need to commit!" 

Here's a photo to show you that I really actually did write their names in what precious diary space I have.

Commitment.

Anyway.

You may or not buy into it but I'm getting into football!! I've watched endless videos of post-match analysis/commentaries, I've Googled players/managers/leagues/winners/losers/cups/what an offside is/what a set piece is, I've fully downloaded an app for all the matches to come complete with full stats, Youtube-d the living lights out of footballers and their games/plays. I'm genuinely trying to learn about football, guys! I was up all night the other day because I was Youtubing the general rules of football and watching replays of goals/matches and listening to Gary Lineker's punditry.

It's kinda wild and it's a whole new world to me. Reminiscent of what it was like when I first got into K-Pop. I had like, 5 people explain to me how the timing works for Champions League and the EPL and what being on loan means and found out David Beckham only left United because he was being sold and not because he wanted to. 

I'm not going to even try to talk football with you pros because I can't comment on anything that I've not even fully understand so I'm just going to sit and listen about everything you have to say about who you support and who isn't playing so well, ok! I'm all in this now!!

That being said, I can't wait for upcoming matches!! So exciting!!

(If you must know, I live in a United household so that'll be who I'll be supporting) 

(and I'm still team England)

xx

To love too much

When I love, I love too much.

And ironically, it's because I don't love a lot of things. I'm pretty indifferent generally about... everything. There are very few things in the world that I *love* so much with the entirety of my heart and being. I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily because then I guess there's not much left for me to really, carelessly fall for.

I've always been this way. When I love something, I just obsess over it. If it's something that can be watched, I watch it all day and night and there isn't a corner on Youtube that I won't have already searched. If it's a song, I listen to it 'til I know every word, hum and beat. If it's a person... man, good luck!! When I like someone, I just tirelessly move mountains to make that person happy. I've always been that kind of person. I try to always make other people happy first. For example, if I know you like a song, I'm going to put it on anyway because it's going to make you sing and dance to it. Even if I don't really get it. I'd rather eat at a restaurant I don't like (but know that you do) rather than bringing you to a place that I like. My happiness derives from seeing other people happy. I'd like to think it's being both selfless and selfish? 

I give so much of my heart away and I don't think it's ever done me good. Because I invest so much, the downfall becomes somewhat amplified. Like how the ending of a show I was SO crazy about (Reply '88) was the complete opposite of what I had been wishing for. I seriously am not joking when I said I would just break into tears just thinking about the ending of the show. I was wishing dishes one time and the thought of the ending scene and I just full on BAWLED by the sink and wanted to curl up in bed under the covers to continue crying my heart out. And then fast forward few months later, news broke that the TV couple that I was rooting for in '88 actually *actually* got together in real life and I cried at that too. In the office - infront of my colleagues. It was so ridiculous now that I think about it but that's just how emotional I can get with things I love.  There's an interview of Kristen Bell on Ellen when she said she'll cry if she's not anywhere between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale. Too happy and she'll cry and too sad and she'll cry. Just to give you a little insight of how much of an emotional wreck I can be, y'know at the end of the last Olympics they had a little feature on Japan because they're the next host and the Prime Minister of Japan popped up in a Mario costume at the end bit? Yeah, I cried at that because it was so cute and sweet that he was willing to do that!!!!!! I cried!!! At that!!!

I dunno, man.

It's the same with relationships. I go all in. I love fearlessly and tirelessly. And that's always been the case for me. I'm enthusiastic about it despite my efforts to be cool about it on the outside. But believe me you, I'm jumping on the inside. Like... kicking-my-blanket-because-I-can't-contain-the-giddiness-within kinda excited. And it's probably why I'm so scared to like anyone. To give my heart to someone and to dedicate and to commit. Because I have this fear of what if the other person wakes up to find that today they love me a little less. It's so tiring to always have to worry about that. To find someone with an unchanging heart, and one that'll care and adore you everyday without you ever having to doubt it. That's the dream! But it's so far and between so I pray that I find someone that will put me to ease with the guarantee of a love that doesn't dim. 

I feel my heart pounding when I start talking about the things I love and I instantly light up at the thought of it. My whole face feels hot and turns an enviable shade of blush you'd think I bought good money with. I start talking fast and my speech is all over the place (with lots of squealing and taking quick breaths in between) because this is what it looks like when excitement takes over. And it takes me a very long while to get over it. 

Loving wholeheartedly and loving deep isn't wrong. The curse is when I pour too much of my heart into it. I devote too much of myself to something/someone that I forget reality and when the bubble bursts, I'm flailing to the ground and falling heart first.

Help?

xx