Imperfections

It's my own family that makes me insecure when I go out. Really lah.

Most of you might know that I don't have perfect skin. I'm far from it lah basically. My complexion has been deterring due to pimples and dark spots and I've had it since I don't know.. 13 ? I got it young.

And ever since then, I've had to combat every comment from my family members.

Heck, they're the reason I wear make-up in the first place. I've only started wearing it after I was a bit knowledgeable about foundations and concealers and it's different types and shades and brands and stuff. Got my first one from Chanel and it kinda just started from there.

"Come lah we go to a doctor or a specialist. Teruk sangat dah tu!" says Mum.

Fine. We've been to several doctors and they're recommended me good things. But oh lo and behold, the skin specialist in Taman Tun tells my mum and I

"This is not bad at all. I've seen far worst than this. Your skin is normal and this is just a phase you go through."

I kinda wanted to hug her for that and tell my mum "Told you." Seriously, if a skin specialist can say it's nothing much, don't have to hype yourself up kan.

I can't go out with my parents without slathering a layer of foundation first.

"Why teruk sangat your skin?"
"Kenapa banyak jerawat?"
"Teruk lah your spots, come we go to the doctor tomorrow?"
"Awat teruk sangat your skin?"

I don't get this from my friends (no, actually I've had one person say "Wow, you're really good with your foundation, Nadia!" after seeing me without it. Can't lie, that was hurtful too). I get that you're trying to make things better but do you think I'm just not doing anything about it ? I've been to almost every website on acne and it's cure and how do I prevent it. I've enquired and basically I've done my part. It's as if I can't be comfortable with my own skin. So annoying and frustrating.

Hmm how does one answer that question of "why so teruk?" Hmmmm let's see.. why don't we ask my skin ? Or why don't we ask nature ? Or why don't we question my oil glands and ask why is it producing so much oil making my skin prone to pimples and bacteria?

I'm not trying to be sarcastic (though it's kinda obvious) but the deal is, it's hurtful and it's downright rude and no matter how NICELY you said it, essentially you're asking the person "Why is your skin not as nice as mine?"

You think I want to have this skin ? You think I like having pimples every month ? You think I like having foundation on me ? You think I enjoy spending time infront of the mirror experimenting with different shades as to hide this blemishes ?

No, I don't.

I've gone through so many different kinds of cleansers and spot treatments and toners and creams that I can pinpoint which one doesn't work and which one does.

People might label as being fake and unnatural because of the make-up I wear.

Do you know how much I want to go out without putting on foundations ? Do you know how much I envy the girls who have perfect skin and complexion and that they don't have to worry about people staring right at their imperfections ? You think it's cheap to get different skin care every freaking time? Do you know how insecure I get when I go out without make-up or with a pimple because of what people might say or think ?

No, you don't.

I can always tell when my mum is staring at my pimple or when she's about to ask me about my skin or ask "Are you on your period?" which I almost always say "Yes" so she can be like "Oh patutlah banyak pimples" when really I'm not.

It hurts because the worst thing about it is that when someone elder comments on it, I can't really snap back at them. I can only give them a polite smile and blame it all on the 'stress' and 'hormones'.

I get quite sad after every comment about my skin because it's something out of my reach. Like, there's no cure out there that can make my skin smooth and clear and radiant (as much as the media bullshits with us). There's nothing that I can do on my behalf that can remove all these imperfections. So it's basically you're stating something that is really out of my power to tolong baikkan.

I didn't choose to have this. So stop it lah. It's hurtful and it does nothing for my self esteem. I'm doing everything I can to make it better but it doesn't help it if you comment things like that.

It's very sad and heartbreaking that the people who are closest to you are also the same people who are damaging your self confidence.

And even if you're not a friend of mine or a family of mine, I sincerely hope you don't say anything mean or rude to your friend or whoever who's suffering from acne and skin problems.

Seriously, if I'm okay with it and am comfortable (or atleast trying to be) than you shouldn't be all up my business asking about my skin. It is, after all, my skin. You just worry about yours and let me be.

God.