I'm going to be really frank in this post.
I am bored. SO bored. Bored out of my mind in the UK.
And I really don't want to come across as someone unappreciative and spoilt. I am very grateful and I realise myself that I am indeed a very blessed girl to be able to study in the UK for the past three years - an opportunity not many people have. But man, I just wanna go home.
It could largely be because I'm not really liking the 'adult' aspect of being a student abroad. Having to pay bills on time, having to worry about money in the first place, having to figure out what to eat for tomorrow and having to remember and buy toothpaste and a damn bulb because the one in your room blew weeks ago. And yes, I also know that this sounds incredibly bratty of me and I eventually have to do all of this anyway back home. I'm just saying, AS OF THIS MOMENT, I'm really kinda just bored and hate doing all the grocery shopping and dealing with paying rent and cooking. I'd very very much rather be doing all of that at home. All the worrying at home just feels a lot soothing and a lot better. Adding to all of this, is having to spend Ramadhan alone. Berbuka alone and all that. It is so lonely!! And I hardly ever get lonely! I like being by myself but after being so used to berbuka so meriah at home (or in college which was basically like home anyway) all my life, having to berbuka by myself... is something I'm not used to and don't want to get used to.
I'm a creature of habit - I like going to the places I know I'll like, I like doing the things that I know I'll like doing, I like knowing where everything is, I like knowing what to do and how to do. Being adventurous thus is not my forte. Which could largely explain why the UK still feels very foreign. I mean, it's not to say I've been here an incredibly long time but I just miss Malaysia's Malaysianness. Being comfortable - not just with money, but with people and the culture. I feel in the UK I have always had to mould myself according to them. I had to see what other people were doing first and then I'd have to follow. It is incredibly uncomfortable for a person like me.
I'm a very homey person, I love home and I can stay home for long periods of time. So to leave home was already something very unfamiliar. Already something I wasn't comfortable doing. Not that I didn't want to, I did! I did want to study in the UK and leaving home was something I happily wanted to do. But now that I'm here doing ok and all, I just feel stuck.
I sound contradictory.
I love the UK, I love everything that I've seen and observed and I thank a lot of people and to God that I get to do all this here. Heck, I'd probably be a lot more unhappy if I wasn't given such an opportunity to study abroad. But it's just about time y'know. Time to just balik rumah. And people might read this saying what an ungrateful girl I am but I hope that doesn't come across in this post at all. I am very thankful - my mum is a teacher now at a school where she teaches a lot of underprivileged kids and she always tells me their stories and their backgrounds and it really does snap me out of it and their stories always serve as a reminder to be grounded and to just be thankful with what I have. I am!!! But I just miss home. Where things were just a lot more me.